Wikipedia

I had another meeting with the librarian in the Second Air Division Memorial Library and now understand what my projects for the year will be! I am going to see about teaming up with the children's library to do some special story times, possibly based around holidays or on the weekend so that older children can attend. And the big project will be coming up with activities to take to schools (or that school groups could come to the library for) relating to the American presence in Norwich during World War II. This will be great experience for me, but history has never been my strongest subject, so I've checked out some more books: The Americans in Norfolk during World War Two, Over Here by Steve Snelling and The Friendly Invasion by Roger A. Freeman.

While I was at the library I met the first person who has thought to ask me how I discovered them. I gave him the short answer: Wikipedia. But, I'll give you the long one. The Ballad of John's LLM, in all it's glory.

It all started a few months ago when I decided to look up "Norwich, England" on Wikipedia. Being from all over highway 316, Georgia, USA I did not know much about Norwich, England and since my husband wanted to go study there for a year at the University of East Anglia I thought I ought to learn something about the place before we moved. Now, I know that people like to disparage Wikipedia as an unreliable source of information and I know that being a librarian I ought to know of all kinds of ways to learn about Norwich, England. And the truth is...I do. I chose Wikipedia.

Now Wikipedia told me all kinds of fun and interesting things about Norwich, England. For instance, East Anglia was the home of Boudica, my favorite barbarian. I suppose the British people don't like for their ancient queens to be referred to as barbarians, but I'm just speaking from a Roman perspective. Anyway, Wikipedia also said that the 2nd Air Division Memorial Library located in Norwich, England has a collection of American books, and seeing as how I am an American, and a librarian, and was soon to be a resident of Norwich, England, I decided to contact them.

I asked this Memorial Library if they might have me as a volunteer.

I won't go into the entire letter I got back, but it went something like this: You seem awesome. But please prove you are not a criminal. We hope it isn't too much trouble. Kind regards.

Trouble? How much trouble could it be? I figured I could just Google "Certificate of Good Conduct" and I'd be on my way to documenting my lack of a criminal history.

Friends, my search had an inauspicious beginning. Google thought I wanted to know how to get paroled. But being a trained information professional I knew exactly how to handle this situation and I handled the situation by typing in "Certificate of Good Conduct -parole" and a few results down I found a US dot gov link.

This is where the trusty US government tells citizens like me what I have to do to prove to foreign countries that I am not a criminal.

On the instructions of the US government, I visited my local police station to get a copy of my criminal history. Now, I knew that the Athens-Clarke County Police Department probably didn't tell other countries that Americans aren't criminals every day. I didn't have any unrealistic expectations of their helpfulness. I knew I'd probably have to explain things slowly and carefully.

So I asked for my criminal history. I said it was because I wanted to volunteer in Norwich, England. They said $12 please. You'll get it in the mail.

And a few days later, in the mail, I received a mostly blank piece of paper that documented my criminal history and was mostly blank because I don't have one.

Then a day or two after that I set forth to get a special seal put on my criminal history. See, that dot gov website explained that just because something is recognized to be official in America, doesn't mean that other countries consider it official. A whole bunch of the countries talked about what to do about this in that Hague convention a while back and the countries that signed the convention agreed that documents would only need one additional seal to be valid. It's got this funny French name "Apostille" because everything sounds more official in French.

The US and the UK both signed the convention so I was feeling pretty confident when I walked into the Secretary of State's Office down in Atlanta. It was that dot gov website that told me the Secretary of State's Office could give me an Apostille. Actually there were two locations listed, but the website for the other place didn't work so I didn't trust them and the Secretary of State's Office website did work and it also said that they could give Apostilles so I figured that I was going to the right place.

My visit to the Secretary of State's Office began inauspiciously. I walked into the suite on the third floor, started telling them my story and they said, "Hold it right there. Ninth floor." So I walked into a different suite on the ninth floor. Started telling them my story and the woman said, "Hold it right there. We don't do Apostilles. That other state office does Apostilles.

"And you need a certified criminal history.

"AND you don't really want an Apostille."

This time I told her to "Hold it." I knew this one. I do want an Apostille. I looked it up.

That woman whipped the list of countries who had signed the Hague Convention out from under her desk like she was taking a gun out of a holster. She folded it up into a paper airplane, threw it, it sailed by my ear, around the room three times, landed on the desk where she slapped it down and pointed with her three inch bejeweled finger nail. "England isn't on the list!"

I picked up the list, folded it into a cootie catcher, popped it back and forth while I said the alphabet through U, the lifted the flap to reveal, "United Kingdom." The UK is on the list. I do need an Apostille.

Now, I could understand looking up England and not the UK. Anyone could make that mistake. But friends, there is no excuse for what next transpired. She made this rewinding sound like she was playing back through "The Ballad of John's LLM" then waved that finger nail in my face and said, "Honey, you said you were going to England."

And perhaps I would have let her live in her ignorant bliss, but then she made a Chinese lantern out of the directions to the state department that does issue Apostilles, and right after she puffed into it so it would unfold into a ball, and laid the delicate paper on her fierce hand, she whispered to me. "When you talk to them. Just remember where you said you were going."

I pulled a scarf out of my mouth with the words written on it so she wouldn't forget: England is IN the United Kingdom. I tied the end of the scarf to the fan so it would billow in the breeze, and I walked out the door.

The next day I went back to the Athens-Clarke County Police Department and told the girl behind the glass that I needed a certified copy of my criminal history. A what? So I told her the whole story of John's LLM and a big question mark floated up above her head. She pointed to the phone on the wall. The voice on the other end gave me the number for the Georgia Bureau of Investigation.

I called up the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. No one answered. Later that day I tried again. A woman picked up and I told her that I needed a certified copy of my criminal history. A what? So I told her the whole story of John's LLM and she put another woman on the phone and that woman's voice sparkled at me as she said. "I can help you. I need $15 and two sets of fingerprints."

I sparkled back at her. "Where do I get fingerprinted?"

"At your friendly neighborhood police department."

Ruts were beginning to form in the road between my apartment and the Athens-Clarke County Police Department. I walked in for the second time that day and this time I said to the woman behind the glass, "I need finger prints."

Without looking up at me she said, "Cards please."

What?

"The cards for the fingerprints. The department requesting fingerprints usually provides specific cards."

The fire coming from my mouth melted the glass between us. "I'm taking time off work and sitting here in the police department. I mean I'm just sitting here in the Athens-Clarke County Police Department trying to get my fingerprints taken so I can get a certified criminal history from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. And you come at me with this cop jargon about cards. You've got a lot of nerve to act like I got cards from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. You just saw me this morning. You can't really think I drove all the way to Decatur and back today."

The ice from her breath formed a frozen sheet that replaced the melted glass. "I just don't want you to waste your money."

I called the Georgia Bureau of Investigation back up. I asked for that woman with the sparkley voice. She wasn't there anymore, I had to talk to the woman who answered so I told her the whole story of John's LLM and finally got around to how I had to get fingerprinted but didn't have any cards. She told me I could use the cards at the police department and I told her I was much obliged and returned to the woman behind the ice.

The police department cards are fine.

She built the ice wall a little higher as she exhaled the words, "The fingerprint guy is out to lunch."

By the time I got back there was frost all over the counter. She handed me two Athens-Clarke County Police Department Cards and told me to fill them out. But didn't give me a pen. I filled them out with my pen. The fingerprint guy was a mustachioed Minnesotan who took one look at my cards, shuffled them, cut them, then popped them like he was playing 52 card pick-up minus 50 cards. Do it again. In black ink. He let me borrow his pen.

He recited "this little piggie" as he mashed my fingers one by one onto the scanner. Then he told me not to commit any crimes with my left littlest piggie because it had a really strong print. The words sifted through his mustache like fine flour.

I sent off the cards and the money and to tell you the truth, there's not much of a story after that. Sparkles came through for me with the certified criminal history and that other state department came through with the seal. No more hassle. I'm a bona-fide, Apostille carrying, not-a-criminal.

Friends, I think there are a couple things we could take away from this story. But the most important thing we can take from this story is that Wikipedia is a more reliable source of information than dot gov websites. They don't teach you that in library school. Or at the University of East Anglia.

Wikipedia, people say,
Is unreliable, lead you astray,
But if you're wondering, then hear me
This is what you do for information needs
Don't ask dot gov
They can't help you out
Don't ask dot gov
They will make you shout
If you want to know the answer Wiki-pee-dee-ai-ay
Wiki-pee-dee-ai-ay